A Little Set Back

I was on the phone with my girlfriend about an hour ago. We were talking about the park we just left, that I forgot to pack dog food in the camper for Maggie, and that I stil haven't heard from the vet about Jake's ashes. We talked about how I would be with the call and I knew that I would be fine. Right after that conversation, I got a beep and saw it was Flannery. I told Lynnell I would talk to her later or tomorrow and took the call. The woman on the other side said, "Hi, It's Leslie from Flannery's." I immediately said, "Hi, I know why you are calling." Her reaction, "I'm so sorry." Those 3 words made me lose it. He is gone and now all I have are ashes. How did this happen? So I immediately called David to tell him, since I knew I would cry tellig him and he wasn't there. So I called Lynnell back and told her I totally didn't handle it the way I thought. We both cried and then changed the subject and she made me laugh. Thank God for good friends. I still have to tell David and that is going to be hard. It is closure although we still need the urn and a couple of other things to give him a permenant spot in this house since he already has our hearts.

Thanks guys for everything. It will all be good. Just a part of the grieving process.

So many things to say...

First, Thank you everyone for all of your support and loving words that have helped me through this tough week. I am ok. Looking back on the past few months, everything has become so clear. It was the right time for him. He was so much worse and that was no way for my best friend to live. I will deeply miss him and he will be in my heart forever. This week will be hard when I get the call to pick up his ashes. But it will also be some closure. The search is on for the perfect urn for my furry boy. I will find it in time. What will I do with him, you might be wondering. His final resting place will be in my casket when that time comes. He was my furry soulmate.

Second, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Kimmie!!! My cousin has been so supportive of me. If all of my friends could meet her you would all love her. We had some good times together! Remember the skiing trips, Kim. It seems like a lifetime ago. I hope you have a woderful birthday!!

Third, I had a physical on Friday. I haven't had one in almost 5 years and it was time. I want to get healthier, but wanted to see what condition I was in first. My weight dropped a little since the last time I was in. I am now at 138. I want to get back to my prepregnancy weight, so I have 5lbs. to go. My total cholesterol was 161. Below 200 is good. HDL 67 Above 40 is good. LDL 85 below 100 is good. And my glucose was 93 and the normal range is 60-140. My thyroid was good and everything else looked good also. So now I need to start eating healthier and exercising.

Fourth, I apologize that Timmy's big day didn't get posted yet. I will try my best to do it soon.

Lastly, the start of summer is upon us this weekend. Go out and enjoy your life and family. Run like you don't care who is watching, go for a swing and try to touch the clouds, sing at the top of your lungs not caring who is listening, and just breathe in the fresh air. I will be spending the weekend camping and enjoying the family!

Thank You

Thank you all so much for your support. I don't think I realized it would hurt this much. My eyes are still stinging and all of a sudden I am taken over with grief. I hate going to bed and I hate coming downstairs. Right now life sucks! On the positive side, I am blessed with 2 healthy children, one sad but loving hound dog and the best husband anyone could ask for. He brought me flowers last night along with a flower for each of the kids. Also, the support has been amazing. My friend Christy made a donation in Jake's name to Cornell for research on hip dysplasia. Christy, that meant so much to me and David. It really got to him. Lara and Penny, waking up to your ecards just showed me more love. All of the comments from everyone, I truly feel your love.

I miss Jake so much. A part of me wants to run out and get another Greater Swiss Mountain Dog. I told David that and he said he wouldn't fight me, but that is not the right thing to do. I need to grieve for him, not be distracted. Besides, Timmy and a new puppy, I am sad but I haven't lost my mind. In time, I am sure I will be on here showing you a new puppy. Now that I have had 2, I'm not sure I can just have one. Besides Maggie is very depressed.

Again, thank you all. You all mean so much to me. I will be out of it for awhile trying to learn to live with a quieter house. This weekend we will be planting a tree for Jake next to the kids playset. He loved them so much we thought that would be perfect.

My Best Friend

The title really doesn't come close to what Jake was to me. He is gone and my heart is broken. Memories just keep flooding back. So many things he did and all the love he gave over 8 great years. This is one of my favorite pictures of him. He was full of pride!

* I picked him in June 1998. There were 2 puppies I could pick from. One was a calm puppy who just hung out and didn't care what happened around him. The other was "Top Dog" and thought he was bigger then the other adult dogs. He would run around, jump and bark at the other big dogs. I picked him. He was named Jake on our way home. I wanted Max but David really wanted to name him Jake. It was the perfect fit for a great dog.
* There was only 1 1/2 years that I worked full time. So I spent most of his 8 years with him. He was my saviour while on bedrest with Emma. Without him my days would have been long. He was my friend that I could talk to and cry to. He listened and just loved me. When we brought Emma home he instintly became her guardian. He truly loved her.






* When we brought Maggie home we thought he would be jealous that a puppy came into the house. I felt guilty because I didn't want him to think he wasn't enough. He took to her and loved her right away. They became fast friends. Maggie is hurting right now and doesn't know what to do with herself. Much like me.



* Then came Timmy or should I say my 6 weeks hospital stay. While there Emma was able to visit almost everyday, but my puppies of course couldn't. David brought me a picture of them. I missed Jake so much. I longed to pet his soft fur and smell his stinky breath. God I loved that dog.


* When we got home with Timmy, Jake accepted him as his second child. This dog just loved his kids.




There are so many memories that just flood back to me. The one that breaks my heart is of last night. It really shouldn't though. It was the look of peace after he was gone. I haven't sobbed that hard in a very long time. Actually, I can't stop crying. My heart hurts right now. I know he is in a better place, but when I I saw how peaceful and puppylike he looked, I longed for him to wake up and come home. I just want him home with me. His head and ears were so soft last night. He was so loved by so many. The staff had tears and our vet had tears. I know it was hard for her also. She did everything to help us with him. I know that I exhausted all the options that I had and I just couldn't put him through more. It was time to honor him and let him gone.

I pray that my beliefs that I grew up with about heaven really does exist. I need to see him again when I get there. I need him to lick my face, give me his paw and let me spoil him all over again.

Jake, my love
I can't ever thank you for all the love you have give us. I pray you know how much you were loved by everyone that met you. You touch a special place in everyone's heart. We will never be the same and we are so much better for loving you. Run and play the way you used to. Find Aunt Jean and give her a big lick from me.
Hugs ad kisses to you Jake. I will never be the same without you.
Your Mommy

Here are a few of my puppy:





Emma made Jake into an elephant. He was such a good support!

Our last few minutes with Jake.



Goodnight my sweet Jake. I will never stop loving you.

Interesting Conversation

I know, I know...if blogger could fire me, it would. I am horrible at getting back to this. In my defense, I have joined some mom groups, have my house torn apart trying to move Timmy into his new room, painting my bathroom, getting ready for a big crop and then trying to make a gut wrenching decision about Jake. So my mind hasn't been on finishing the trip, but I promise, if Timmy naps today, I will be back!

So yesterday while Emma was eating lunch, I was at the counter fixing my sandwich when she says, "Mom when is Jake going to get better?"
My reply, "He isn't going to get better baby."
Em "But his hair is starting to grow back." (that was from his operation in Feb to remove a lump.)
me "Well that part is better, but his back and back legs aren't going to get better."
Em "So he is going to go to heaven"
me "yes he is"
Em "Oh, I am going to miss him, but he will be with peanut and hmmm, the human."
me "Who?"
Em "You know the human, what is her name?
me "YOu mean Aunt Jean?"
Em "Yes Aunt Jean. She will take care of Jake for us until we get there."
me "yes she will Emma and God will help her"
Em "Mom who is God?"
me thinking here is the question of a life time don't blow it. "Well God made the trees, animals, us"
Em "He made us?"
me "Yes, he picks us to join our family"
Em "What does he look like?"
me "I don't know"
Em "Are we going to meet him?"
me "When we get to heaven we will."
Em "And peanut (our rabbit) and Jake?"
me "yes"
Em "oh"
me "and the best part is that God will make Jake all better. So when we get to heaven he will be able to run and play with us again"
Em "How does he get a new body?"
me thinking why didn't I stop while I was ahead. "God is magical. When our bodies are to sick and tired they stop working and we go to heaven. When we get to heaven God gives us a new body that is healthy."
Em "oh, then I can come back to this house?"
me "no sweetie, we would stay in heaven."
Em "But I don't want to stay in heaven, I want to stay here in this house."
me "No one is going to heaven for a long time. You,Daddy, Timmy and me will be here for a long time!"
Em "And Maggie too?"
me "Maggie will be here for awhile longer, but not as long as all of us."
Em "I will miss my Jakie!"
me "Me too sweetie, me too."

This is fitting.

Your Values Profile

Loyalty: You value loyalty a fair amount. You're loyal to your friends... to a point. But if they cross you, you will reconsider your loyalties. Staying true to others is important to you, but you also stay true to yourself. Honesty: You value honesty a fair amount. You're honest when you can be, but you aren't a stickler for it. If a little white lie will make a situation more comfortable, you'll go for it. In the end, you mostly care about "situational integrity." Generosity: You value generosity a fair amount. You are all about giving, as long as there's some give and take. Supportive and kind, you don't mind helping out a friend in need. But you know when you've given too much. You have no problem saying "no"! Humility: You value humility highly. You have the self-confidence to be happy with who you are. And you don't need to seek praise to make yourself feel better. You're very modest, and you're keep the drama factor low. Tolerance: You value tolerance highly. Not only do you enjoy the company of those very different from you... You do all that you can to seek it out interesting and unique friends. You think there are many truths in life, and you're open to many of them.

The Five Factor Values Test